


Athazagoraphobia

by rabiddog



Series: Requests [17]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol, Depressed Kageyama Tobio, Kageyama Tobio Angst, Kageyama Tobio Needs a Hug, Kageyama Tobio-centric, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:53:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29143272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabiddog/pseuds/rabiddog
Summary: Kageyama's fear of abandonment gets the best of him.After leaving high school without his friends, without anyone, withoutHinatato rely on, Kageyama spirals.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio
Series: Requests [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2031349
Comments: 12
Kudos: 128





	Athazagoraphobia

Kageyama had understood that things would change after high school. He'd understood that people would drift apart, and feelings would change, but he'd hoped – he'd truly, truly hoped that it wouldn't be the case. Of course, he knew the outcome already anyway, but there was nobody stopping him from pleading and begging for a different display. Right? 

He'd never admit it, but Tobio had spent nights upon nights, gazing into a dark sky filled to the brim with taunting, twinkling stars as they fluttered over a black and blue canvas. "Please," He'd whispered, tone desperate and needy, "Please let me keep them." 

Kageyama hadn't wanted his friends to leave him. 

An irrational, gripping fear had taken over his lithe form ever since his time in middle school – a crippling fright of abandonment and loneliness. His team had once left him, just as his parents and his sister had similarly disappeared into the wind. He'd even lost his grandpa, the one person Kageyama had thought he'd have forever. 

As it turned out, forever was more like fourteen years of his life. 

_"Are you excited, Kageyama?" Hinata inquired curiously, grinning up to his taller, raven-soaked friend with a blinding smile._

_The ginger looked almost like an overly-excited puppy – Kageyama could practically envision Hinata's tail wagging behind him and his golden ears flicking against his head. Endearment and fondness sparked throughout Tobio's body, but he kept his face as neutral as possible._

_"I guess," He replied with a shrug, ignoring the warping feelings festering within his aching chest, "Are you?"_

_"Duh! We're finally third years - we're finally leaving high school! I couldn't be more excited! Sure, I really, _really_ enjoyed my time at Karasuno, but dude! I can go anywhere now; I can do anything. It's so great!" _

_'Great.'_

_Sure, it was great. Hinata was excited to explore the world, to see life outside of Japan. He wanted to expand his volleyball skills and meet new people. Kageyama couldn't help but envy him. He desperately wanted that kind of joy too – he wanted to be so easygoing and free as he left his friends to visit new things and new possibilities._

_Kageyama wanted to be able to let go without the fear of having nobody left clutching onto him. He wanted to stay firm in believing that his friends would always be his friends despite everything, no matter what directions they all took in life._

_His heart said yes, but his wary mind said no._

_"You're such a dork," Tobio let out with a sigh instead, clutching his graduation letter just a smidge tighter in his sweaty palm._

_Hinata sputtered. "Eh!? I'm not a dork! You're a dork!"_

_"Am not."_

_"Are too!"_

_"Am not!"_

_"Are too!"_

_Their relentless bickering had completely thrown Kageyama back into the past, back into memories of their daunting first year they'd spent together – memories of Suga, Asahi, Daichi, _everyone_ filling his mind. _

_It was a gladly accepted (and definitely needed) distraction from the taunting, snarling voices echoing inside Kageyama's head._

__'He'll forget about you.' 'He doesn't need somebody like you.' 'You're nothing to him. You're nothing to any of them.'_ _

_Kageyama swallowed, focused on Hinata, and let himself pretend nothing was changing._

__

But in the end, everything had changed. And not for the better. 

Sure, there were phone calls now and again, especially towards the start of Hinata and Kageyama's splitting friendship. Photos from Hinata's colorful trip around the world, photos of the ginger meeting up with Oikawa, and sharing drinks in every bar available. Texts about how cool Hinata's new roommate was and how he was so excited for Kageyama to meet all of his new friends. 

(Spoiler alert, Kageyama had never ended up meeting them.) 

He'd replied with haste, fingers scrambling across his phone as he typed out response after response, trying to emit the same amount of enthusiasm that seemed to follow Hinata like a trailing cloud. Even if Hinata didn't respond for days - sometimes bordering into weeks – Kageyama's response would be immediate. 

Eventually, however, those photos and texts, those little trinkets sent in the mail smelling distinctively like an orange-haired volleyball player, began to cease. 

Kageyama had thought it was just because Hinata was busy because he couldn't just forget about his best friend, could he? He couldn't just forget about Kageyama, could he? 

But Instagram posts and stories depicting Hinata's meetups with old teammates, like Nishinoya and Asahi as they too traveled around the globe, began to shed light on the real situation at hand. Just as Kageyama had thought – just as he'd feared, he'd been forgotten, left alone. Left with nothing but a mumbling bottle of whisky and a howling, empty stomach. 

He didn't know how to deal. 

Why hadn't those stars let him have this one thing? Why had they whispered promises of a brighter future and an everlasting bond between Kageyama and his friends if they were only going to rip it away from him in the end? 

Why had he ever pleaded for a stop to his loneliness when the answer had been as clear as day from the start. 

He just wasn't good enough to keep anyone around. 

Kageyama swallowed roughly as he peered down onto the bustling street – car lights and lampposts offering shining beacons amongst a darkened atmosphere. He swallowed again, sandpaper licking ruthlessly at his delicate, fleshy insides. The roads below were beckoning him closer – begging him to take a step over. 

His hand tightened on the bar of his balcony, eyelids shutting for a moment before they drifted open. 

He didn't know how long he'd been stood there for, how long he'd had his body leaned just a little too far forwards, and his eyes had filled with just a few too many tears. 

Seconds, perhaps? Hours? Days? Weeks? Months? 

Kageyama knew that his mail had begun to pile up, drifting through his letterbox and forming hefty piles amongst his – somehow still – neatly lined pair of shoes. Plates had turned moldy and crusted, offering a heavy stench across the dark living space. Kageyama barely noticed it. 

His phone had long since died, too, left splayed across a chipped coffee table without a single charger in sight. Kageyama had often glanced at it, wondering if he should plug it in and see, _see_ if there was something there for him. 

But it was unlikely. There was no need for anyone to remember him now. 

The name 'Kageyama Tobio' had once struck fear in volleyball players across the world, struck fear in even his teammates as he strode across a squeaking floor, ball in hand. But now, it was just a mere whispered snicker drifting through the wind – a slight mention of a prodigy who had disappeared off the face of the Earth. 

Kageyama didn't care much for it. 

It didn't matter anymore, after all. He was alone. Alone, alone, alone – drifting through his life, paper-thin and as pale as a ghost. He barely felt as if he existed anymore, especially as his fingertips ghosted against the one boulder keeping him on the ground and not falling to his death. 

He missed Hinata. 

Sometimes, as Kageyama lay on his couch, all gangly limbs and unblinking eyes, he imagined that he could still hear Hinata's voice. 

An older, rougher version of Hinata's voice as he banged on Kageyama's front door, pleading and begging for him to just 'open it already,' to just 'let him in,' but it was Hinata's voice all the same. (Kageyama wished that those sorts of hallucinations would just leave him alone.) 

He'd heard a few other voices, too, similar ones that reminded him of Suga and Akaashi, Kenma and Atsumu. 

Occasionally, Kageyama would pretend that people had actually remembered him – remembered he'd existed. 

Those snickering voices told him otherwise, however. Maybe he was just going insane. 

Kageyama chanced another look down onto the street, heart-clenching, and teeth sinking into a chapped lower lip. It was beckoning him again, dark hands reaching up to caress at his cheeks gently. He wanted to let go with them, to drop down, down, down until there was nothing left at all. 

But something was holding him back. Something familiar but so unfamiliar at the same time. 

He sighed, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as he turned away from the edge. 

Maybe tomorrow he'd be feeling a little braver.

**Author's Note:**

> CC: [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/rabiddogs)  
> Twitter: [Wilbyz](https://twitter.com/wiIbyz)


End file.
